I know I gave you a lot of shit before and I wish it wasn’t too late to apologize. I love you so much and I hope you know that everything I’m working for, I’m doing it to make you proud of you. I never had much good things to tell you because I was such a fuck-up but I’m doing good now. I gotta steady job, I’m graduating, I’m moving out and starting to support my own. I almost got it made and it’s because I kept working towards what I wanted.
Graduating is the biggest thing that’s going to happen to me. As I walk across that stage, I’ma be looking up at you.
Daddy, I’m still doing this for you.
I admit it. I put on a really big front when it comes to things like this. Only a few people know how I really am because they’ve seen me at my lowest point. I manage to pretend like I’m the strongest person I can be. I put on this front, acting like I don’t give a shit about a lot of things when really, I let a lot of things get to my feelings, when I really shouldn’t.
My mentality hasn’t changed. Ever since middle school, I have always been the girl that had such a soft heart. I was so vulnerable. I wasn’t strong like other girls. I might have acted like this little thug but I hurt more than people could really see. A lot of things hurt my feelings but I choose not to open my mouth because I don’t want to cry over everything. It doesn’t seem worth it to say anything.
Whether it’s a friendship or a relationship with a boy, I always wanted to give it my best effort because that’s how I’d like them to treat it. I’ve always tried to be a really good person to people. I give so much and I don’t expect much in return. It seems like lately, people just walk all over me and don’t mind. It just sucks you know? I hurt so badly when the ones I love walk out of my life. I hurt so much…
It really does break my heart. It’s like a gunshot to my chest. That’s what it feels like. When I hear that the ones I’ve given my everything to decide they don’t want to be a part of my life anymore, it seems like all my effort was for nothing. I feel like I made no impact on their life. I would have taken a gunshot to the chest.
I wish I was strong enough to let them go. I wish I could say that I wouldn’t shed no tears for them. I wish I could say I didn’t care. It seems so easy for them to see me walk away. The ones I let into my heart, only know how to break it. I wish I didn’t have feelings.
I don’t know what to do with myself these days.
